2019 is and was a year full of lessons. I spent the majority of 2019 crying, stressing and questioning why things were happening the way that they were happening. And not understanding that these things were happening in a way to not only teach me a lesson, but teach me understanding of my strengths and boundaries that needed to be set. Shoulders heavy, neck tight, eyes heavy as I sit in disbelief, disgust and disappointment. All three D’s that no human being ever wants to deal with. But one thing I hasn’t engulfed with is regret.

2019 was a year I allowed myself to be vulnerable wholeheartedly. I allowed people into my world, into my joy. I shared my sweet words of encouragement, my home, my children and most of all my family. All of which I am very possessive and protective over. I allowed them to drink from my glass of peace and serenity. I was duped and I allowed it.

But within this lesson, I learned to forgive and let go for me. That closure is not necessary and people push themselves out your life with no effort on your part. I learned that protection of my energy, time and space is a must. I learned that spiritually gets you a long way, when you are dedicated to the process. Gratitude expressed daily lifts your spirits. Being authentically you, is more beneficial then living in someone else perception of what they think you should be. Writing was a better self therapy mechanism than my mouth to a glass of Jack and coke. The lesson within me taught me that intuition is everything and should never be ignored. Accountability and ownership is everything. Lastly, if you hang around angry, bitter, depressed, lost and hopeless people eventually they’ll drain you dry and you begin to take on some of their characteristics. Protect your spirits at all cost.

2019 not only was I able to experience the birth of my last baby girl with a midwife,I was able to express and live in true freedom. Within that freedom, I learned the true meaning of womanhood. I learned how to hike alone, dance alone, travel alone and most of all love who I am more than ever when I am alone. When I am alone I no longer dwell in the what ifs, living in the past or constant worry of the future or feel alone. I now can recognize the present and actually enjoy it. There is much more to the lessons of 2019 and perhaps I’ll post a continuation. I ask that you all reflect on this year and share your many experiences and some of the lessons you have learned and what do you plan on doing with those lessons learned. Peace and Blessings Kings and Queens!

Listening to my neo-soul, vibing out, realizing that I have the power to manifest the life worth living for. You ever sit back and think about the external factors that affects your internal being. Come on vibe with me for a minute! You ever walk in a room and here this dope beat and you get in your head and begin to go in a sensual trans. It becomes just three people in the middle of the room; for me they are called me, myself and I. Ahhhh you feel that beat capturing and nourishing your soul, as you close your eyes your body begins to move to the rhythm of the beat, you lose yourself. That’s the euphoric feeling of a life worth living for!

Just like the external beat that put you in that euphoric trans, is the same as what you are surrounding yourself around and what you are feeding you mind. You want to understand what happiness, peace and joy is surround yourself around those who possess it. Things that you seek you engulf yourself in it for understanding and learning. Once you surround yourself in it you will realize how it then becomes a part of you. You want to have monetary abundance surround yourself around people who can not only teach you the ropes but also how to sustain it. Notice I didn’t say wealth because to me monetary value does not equal wealth. Wealth is you having a grip on your EI (emotional intelligence), creating value and leave a legacy actually worth talking about because it was so impactful that you become unforgettable generations to come.

Now on the contrary I’m not telling you to use people as clutches and feed on their souls as you attempt to get better. But I am telling you if you want improvement on your circumstance change your external factors. Changing your external factors will allow you to get a grip on your mental state. I enjoy out doorsy risk taking experiences, so I seek groups that I could surround myself around that allots that safe space to be daring without judgment. I enjoy people who are realest but yet can always see the glass full out of any situation. Therefore, for my peace and sanity I ensure to find those creative spaces that helps not only stimulate me mentally but helps me grow and avoid staying in a negative head space. I challenge you to do the same. Rid all things that suck you dry and doesn’t create opportunity for growth and I guarantee you will create a life worth living for!

Peace and Blessings Kings and Queens! Smile because you are so worth it!

The older I get, the more I understand the discussions my wise grandmother shares with me. As I sit engulfed in stress and losing my inner peace in situations I have no full control over; as always she is my confidant and reminds me as I sit on the edge of her bed the importance of setting Boundaries and saying NO. “Child you look tired for caring burdens that aren’t even deservant of you!” as she holds my hand. “You my baby were born a peaceful and happy soul.” “I can feel and tell you have forgotten our many conversations about your standards, respect, saying NO and having BOUNDARIES!” And yes she put strong emphasis on boundaries that raised the hair on the back of neck and sent quivers down my spine.

As the conversation continues, I feel tears developing in my eyes as I knew the wisdom to feed and nourish my soul she was about to share. My grandmother had and has a look and a way with words as if she knew/ knows before hand what my thoughts were, what my feelings were in the subconscious mind. I can tell we were in sync and I was ready for the knowledge.

“Being okay with not accepting things and speaking up for what is unacceptable to your standards are okay.” as she puffs on her cigarette and looks at me with her glossy eyes.”Don’t conform, shape or mold yourself into something to fit the needs of others; because trust what you expect others to do will most likely be filled with grief and disappointment. Now this does not mean don’t give people the benefit of the doubt, but if you do so chose to, have your boundaries in place to retain and protect your peace!” and puffs again.

My grandmother was right. With only a third grade education, and who is self taught by reading and life experiences; this woman is yet the wisest woman I know. Inner reflection. Inner thoughts, being in tune with oneself. She is the epitome of a peaceful WOMBman. I got the gist of what she was laying down and I picked it up and replaced it in my bag of GEMS of her previous diamonds she had giving me. I say replaced because a lot of the conversations are reminders of conversations we once had in my adolescent, early adulthood years and during my divorce. These reminders were needed.

I had to remember and reapply the boundaries conversation, which meant I was no longer going to put myself in situations that overwhelmed me. These emotions we feel as humans shouldn’t go unnoticed, as they serve a purpose and are valid of our awareness of the inner and outer world that surrounds us. When you are afraid or uncomfortable to say NO and say what is UNACCEPTABLE; just think of the negative consequences on your body and mental state when you always say yes. Nine times out of ten you’ll find yourself overworked, feeling depressed, stressed, used and the list continues on.

This is just a thought and in the near future I will speak more on this. As I feel especially for the time we are in Boundaries and respect are at most overlooked. Peace Queens and Kings!

2019 Mercury Retrograde has me all up in my feelings. Hard to decipher what is real and what isn’t. Don’t know whether to follow my intuition or if my mind is playing tricks on me. I’ve had many sleepless and difficult nights thus far as I am faced with some shadow work. I was stared in the face with being territorial, jealous and at times vindictive. Traits that I for sure believed I couldn’t have had in my repertoire.

I was faced to look at me and those in my circle. And trust I was in tears because I had to stare truth right in the eyes. I asked her what are you attempting to convey to me. What are you trying to warn me about. She told me that these traits would be to my demise if I did not learn how to use them correctly or succumb them.

She told me its okay to have the negative traits as they allow for growth within self. But when impeded it on others I create my own Karmic energy. This truth had me in tears because I didn’t want to think it as I didn’t want it to become a reality. What I beginning to learn is when you think something subconsciously it can become your reality. See my reality is I’m living in a fairy tale LALA land where I create the life I desire and that there will be no strife along the way.

2019 Mercury Retrograde has showed me that 2019 has been a test beyond measures of my strength. Women I’ve allowed to get close to me and my family betrayed me, lost opportunities in careers that probably wasn’t for me in the first place, seizures reoccurring reminding me to get a grip on my thoughts, a beyond rocky long distance relationship that is allowing us to grow and relearn each other and my mouth back to the cup of Jack as I begin to reconnect with my pin and paper. Out of the shit load of things that has happened and some things I rather not mention this 2019 mercury retrograde allowed for me to understand not only my strengths but also my areas for opportunities in growth (some would call weakness).

Instead of seeing and focusing on all the negative aspects of your situations, learn to observed the lessons you were able to gain from those temporary situations (as nothing last forever). Peace Kings and Queens! Until next time!

Wanting to continue on and pursue my best self. Thought of continuing my education only for reality to sit in. I have loans that I will be paying for the rest of my damn life. Living in a society where we are pressed to continue our education or get a trade and yet we aren’t paid for all of the hard work and dedication that we put in. I’m suffocating, attempting to stay afloat while raising four girls and teaching them financial literacy.

How can I show them financial security, when the jobs I have and had aren’t a means to create savings, nor is it enough to secure a true investment. I have things that I am good at; but due to some poor decisions and consistently pulling from my investments to catch up on bills and take care of my children has me feeling suffocated. Where is that American dream they promise you once you finish school. Where is the assistance for those who work hard when they haven’t had the benefits of a silver spoon handle to them on a platter.

Daycare beyond high! Insurance off the Richter scale (both car and health)! Women of color pay at the bottom of the barrel, constantly have to prove ourselves. I’m suffocating. Laughing while meditating, as I see these bills rolling in a circle around and around. When does the foot get off my neck. Taxes, taxes, taxes, regulations, mortgage slavery, student loans slavery, colorism, classism, all forms of hatred, secret segregation. When does it stop….

Get off your ass and start already. What the hell are you waiting for. Stuck in your brain are these brilliant ideas and yet you haven’t implemented not one. Why? Are you in your mind, or are you just lazy? Where do I begin? When do I begin? How do I begin? What do I begin? Hell I have time. Time passes by. Time has gotten the best of me. But in my mind, I still have time…. Or do I… Anxiety kicking in… Get it done…. Get it done…

At least this is what goes on in my brain. I’ve always felt I produce my best work when I’m under pressure. Seems to be my old college ways of how I’ve approached writing papers and studying for test. But now going for my doctorate it seems the old cramming won’t get me by. That good old Art of Procrastination.

The house work can wait! That text can wait! That work can wait! But what happens when you have this grand idea and you keep putting it off! Are you losing out on life as you have become lackadaisical sitting on the couch as time pass you by. I must admit after working a full week, and then being a mother full-time it has been a struggle to fine the drive, energy and enthusiasm to do anything. And by the time I decide to move my ass, I’m rushing to complete housework, homework and everything else work on a Sunday. A day meant for resting before I have to do it all over again.

However, I must admit when I wait until my programmed date, Sunday, I rock the heck out of everything I put off. And once I complete the task I set for myself I feel a sense of accomplishment. All the stress and emotional turmoil I imposed on myself to complete whatever I set out for the week, turns out to be worth the end product. Its as if I get an adrenaline rush from knowing that its crunch time. Hence becomes the Art of Procrastination. Its like in my mind I know that I have to give it my all; what ever it may be at that moment; so I push myself to produce.

No matter how many planners I fill out and alarms I create, I still have that procrastination frenzy tugging on my soul. How do I release it? What are your tactics with dealing with the procrastination bug, I’d be interested in learning…

Every 21 to 28 days I find myself being emotional. As this is natural, and is a part of womanhood. I keep entertaining the thought of returning back to Chicago, IL as if there is some grand opportunity that awaits for me. And as I sit here, I think about my past teacher Ms. Beverly Brown at the Dreamsteerer Acadame’. We had discussions on barriers, feeling stuck, fearful and much more. This amazing woman opened my eyes and was truly a beacon of light during my pageantry, a break in at my home, my separation til now divorce as well as understanding steps I needed to take at this time. She walked to my life in 2018. 2018 was a year of transitioning for me.

2018 was a year where I left things that I considered familiar and took risk just like 2015 but a bit more challenging. I thrived off fear and pushed myself to potentials I wasn’t even fully aware I possessed. Now fast forwarding to 2019, I’m finding myself at a roadblock, or at least that is what I feel. There are so many things I’m good and great at but yet still don’t know what I’m passionate about. So many things I want to experience and do but have four little ones whose best interest are at heart.

By any means, I’m not saying children stop the show but they do have you becoming more clever in how you achieve things. This is where at times I want to return to familiar. Familiar being convenience. But familiar also means you have to deal with others having so much say on how you go about living your life. They are the naysayers and those who negativity instill fear more so than motivation.

Emotionally me sitting here, meditating while my incense is burning, seeking direction collecting my white, black and black white and grey feathers of reassurance (if you don’t understand, research it). Something is telling me to return to familiar for a little just to regather my self. Then there is also something guiding me to seek something new elsewhere.

See Arizona was a stepping stone to prove that I can do it and I did it. Now I have to truly reflect what would be the next best chess move… Kings and Queens provide your insight as to how you’ve dealt with or is dealing with a similar situation…. Regards,

An Emotional Mother, Queen!

As I sit here, I remember the first time we locked eyes. We didn’t need words to speak as our minds and soul was connected on an unexplained level. Afraid of this level of connection I did what I do best and ran or better yet avoided it. But when something is meant the laws of attraction won’t allow it to be a part for too long.

See I didn’t understand this at first until I realized it was no way of escaping this feeling. I was in pure ecstasy every time my undefined love crossed my mind. I was deep and all in at this point. Never had known a love that was so mentally stimulating that I yearned for it. This undefined love had nothing to do with lust but everything to do with the challenge of being in the presence of the strength of my undefined love flaws.

The things I lacked or were seen as my imperfections; I found within my undefined love. He exuded that confidence, boldness, drive, passion and intelligence that at times I felt I lacked within myself. This undefined love pushed my limits and allowed me opportunities to challenge myself in ways I would have otherwise steered away from.

I can stare at this undefined love and see myself within him. It was if our souls became intertwined. We were destined to find each other and this soul tie was one to teach us lessons so that we could help each other become our greatest selves. It was harmonious. There is nothing more blissful then being able to not only experience the most daunting of times of life together but have the ability to overcome, grow and conquer all things that have been thrown in our undefined love thus far. He became a part of my favorite place and yet close to a sacred space.

You get three loves in your life. Your first love which tends to be puppy love. Your second love who is your heartbreak but teaches you lessons and preps you for your third and final love. Your third and final love is the one that comes together organically. It is one that is not questioned, it is one that feels right, it feels like home. When you find that final love, don’t resist it, allow it to nurture your soul. Allow it to feed your wildest desire as you are deserving of it! Immerse yourself in it and you will go further than you ever imagined….

Little Prince and Little Princess, how dare you forget who you are. How dare you forget your worth. You were made out of excellence and uniqueness. You were made to bring something to the universe that was a part of what you inherited when you were conceived. How dare you lack the notion of self awareness and love. You weren’t born with hatred. You weren’t born without a purpose. So how dare you have the audacity to lose yourself in this contradictorial society.

I remember being a child and not having a care in the world. When we are children we are fearless and have no notion of colorism, size, hair types and the list goes on. We were free to try all things and not worry about the consequences of our actions. We learned by trial and error. We lived in our own fairy tale adventure.When we were ready to crawl we just crawled and fell many times but we had that drive and determination to master the skill of crawling. We wanted to be mobile and discover the things around us. We had a knack for curiosity about how the world worked around us. We knew the world was full of opportunity that needed to be discovered. Some children did the military crawl, some children scooted on their butts, some scooted on one leg. It didn’t matter as long as the child master how to get around.

Once we mastered the art of crawling it was now time to walk. Mind you, I skipped the steps of holding our heads up, rolling over and learning to sit up on our own. However, I’m sure you get the logistics of where I’m headed. We were filled with uniqueness, destination and purpose. And then just like that that drive of discovery, purpose and tenacity diminished not only by societies dictation but generational family dictation. All of which is a learned behavior (self hate, racism, colorism, etc). As in my home and many homes we are taught in home first what to do and what not to do. Then once you leave home you are then smacked in the face with trends of whats in, whats hot and whats not.

Now you’re in a state of confusion, a self- discovery battle, more so a mental uproar. Because you lost direction. I remember that in my home when my natural hair was considered unmanageable and when I wanted to wear my coils it was considered as if my hair wasn’t done. And if I wanted to wear my hair it should be straitened, braided up or weaved up. Why wasn’t my hair good enough? Why now in the media is natural hair the in thing. Women of color hair has always been full and long. Why diminish that light to fit society. Shouldn’t we have been taught that regardless of it all we aren’t defined by our hair and we have a choice to wear it the way we want. Its our unique quality and a form of self expression.

Hair is just one example. Now we have fads of sexuality, body types, religion, spirituality and the list goes on. We are a product of our environment and the things we allow to feed us. Many of our behaviors are due to being sponges and soaking the lies in and not being able to filter what is truly beneficial for our souls.

I challenge you to take a moment and breathe. Get to know yourself again. Dig deep within yourself to redefine your purpose and stop allowing society to drive your soul. Its okay to say NO, this does not ALIGN with my destined purpose or with who I am. I challenge yourself to separate from anything that does not add value to your life and to stop allowing society to have so much dictation on how you should define your self. Change begins within. Peace Kings and Queens!

When I came up with the Memoirs of a Mother Queen, Uncensored! it had nothing to do with the fact that I am a mother but everything to do with being a woman who considers herself a Queen! I have dreams and aspirations that needs to be birth and nurtured to growth.

When we dive deeper into the meaning of a Mother; according to the online dictionary a “mother is considered a woman who brings up a child with care and affection, gives birth too”. Looking at this definition I automatically think of innovation, creative and social norms and the development and start of a new project. The development and birth of your baby.

Now lets break down Queen. According to the online dictionary ” A Queen is a female ruler of an independent state , one who inherits the position.” In chess, a Queen piece is the most powerful chess piece that each player has, she’s able to move any number of unobstructed squares in any direction along the rank. Dissecting the Queen’s definition I interpret the Queen as humans being born with this mind that is full of so many great visions that are ready to be conceived and birth. With these visions we have choices and control; it is up to us to never forget the vision, mission or purpose that we inherited at birth. And if we do forget we must learn to channel within to regain what has been forgotten.

If we put Mother, Queen together we now have the definition of an individual who is filled with greatness that was inherited within. It is now up to her or him to follow through. We don’t have to limit a Mother, Queen to just women as men have an X and Y chromosome; which entails that men too have a piece of that nurturing aspect to develop and give life to a baby.

The Memoirs of a Mother Queen, Uncensored!, is indeed a part of my baby that is bigger then me. It was an inherited right for me to remember who I am, and where I’m headed. And in order to do so, I may have to revisit a few aspects of life to see if my baby is growing and is now ready to soar. Even if this direction is not for me, In the moment I’m going to take the chance and give it a try in the moment, in the NOW and see where it goes! I encourage you to start somewhere and do the same! Blessings!