PTSD at 33

Be you but with restrictions. Be mindful of your surroundings, speak a certain way, wear your hair a certain way so that you can get your foot in the door. It was okay that I had a creative mind and spirit in the household. It was okay that I was very assertive and bold in the household. It was okay that I had a keen knack for learning any and everything in the household. It was okay that I had beautiful long curly hair in the household and that my skin was golden orange in the household. See in the black home and yes I say BLACK home and NOT black American or African American because I, along with my fellow blacks have been treated every which way but American.

The only way I could learn rich history of blacks was attending black schools, speaking to black historians or learning from within my home. Thank goodness my circle taught me the riches of the knowledge we possess, the strength in our bloodlines, and how we were Gods, Goddess and Pharaohs. We were inventors, we were mathematicians, architects, writers, scribes, educators and the list continues. We are still those things. See outside the home we are taught hate and the opposite of the truth. As if we had no contribution to building nations worldwide. When we all know it is the strengths of the blacks that established the foundation of this nation brick by brick, whip by whip, lash by lash, lynch by lynch, rape by rape, murder by murder.

At 33, who knew that I would have to hide my richness just to make others feel superior; and when I (speaking for my age group) begin to speak and instill knowledge peacefully we get shunned upon or we disappear; our lives vanish in mid air and no one is held accountable. It is okay in this nation to be ridicule and murder on national and mass media and no one is held accountable. It is okay for police to walk in a black family’s home and murder an individual and say it was a mistake, it is okay for my Soror to be pulled over for not having a turning signal and lose her life for a traffic stop and no one be held accountable, it is okay for our black men to scream to their mothers and be suffocated in front of a camera and die, it is okay for our black teenagers to walk to the store in hoodies and be killed just because a white man felt threatened, it is okay for strange fruit to continue to hang in the south, it is okay that black men can jog in the park and be shot down like kettle by white men, it is okay that the mass majority of Covid patients dying from other conditions be labeled as the cause of death is Covid complication when in reality it is the unjust health system in the black communities, It is okay that I have the same degree as a white counterpart and more experience but I earn at the poverty level, it is okay that if I am with child that if I go into labor at a hospital I may not come out alive due to the spike in black maternal deaths, It is okay that I may not get in to an IVY league school because other privileged people parents pay to get into a school with no true consequence; but if I fake my address and I’m black just to give my child a better opportunity for education then I get 10 years of prison time, it is okay that if I live in a building that a neighbor feels I can’t afford or that I’m not privilege to that she can follow me to my apartment and call the police….. This list goes on and at this point I’m sick of revisiting it!

Curly hair afro means I’m and angry black woman and no one will take me seriously so I must wear a weave or relax my hair, curse less and act the part for a salary that won’t even cover my student loans. Yea us Millennials have pretty much been screwed. We have been taught to work work work attempt to save and invest with lack of actual financial literacy. We all have trades and a business mindset and most have started their own businesses for now, unfortunately some of them to be burned down by infiltrators or not part of the small business bail – out (scratches head, I wonder why). If blacks stimulate the economy by billions of dollars then I would think more entities would want to assist in building up their communities. O wait I forgot, we don’t want the blacks to get to far ahead of themselves. We’ll give subprime mortgages, FHA loans and subprime car loans for 30 plus years that they will pay for the rest of their lives to allow them to feel proud, while passing on the debt to generations to come. Lets not forget all of the hormone pumped meat and seedless gmo fruits we can push on our people to create cancers and obesity to stimulate the health and insurance industry. I thank Trump 45 for exposing to the world what black and other minorities have been subdued to in this land of opportunity for centuries. I have had the privilege to develop PTSD due to racism (systematic and non systematic) just blatantly thrown in the mix day in and day out.

I remember being 12 walking up Greenleaf and Sheridan RD. in Rogers Park, Chicago and being thrown up against a building because they were looking for a woman who was 5’8 like me. I didn’t tell my mom because I was afraid and embarrassed. I was 12, a young lady who was engulfed in studies, did hair, and played with barbies, how could I fit the criteria of wrongdoing, I was just a child. I remember in 1992 asking my mom why the police was beating a man (Rodney King) on tv. Another great memory, in forth grade as one of the top performing students of my class, told my teacher Miss Swanson she was prejudice; I not only spelled it for her but was able to use it in a sentence, and give her the definition. My mother definitely got a call that day, and rightfully so her child was being subjected to discrimination in her 4th grade class. Now fast forwarding to now, I am having similar conversations with my 4 princesses. Talk about stress and anxiety chile….I will discuss in the next post to follow. If you have any stories to share, I would love to read them, please share and comment. Peace and Blessings Kings and Queens!